At the sound of the beep …

HELP! I CAN’T REMEMBER MY PASSWORDS

By Neil Offen
Columnist

Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number and the time of your call and explain why you’re calling me at 3 in the morning and promise to never do it again, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now because I’m napping in the middle of the day since some jerk called me and woke me up at 3 in the morning. But if you leave your name and number and the time of your call, I’ll get back to you and call you nasty names as soon as I am coherent.

Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now because the last time you called you spoke so quickly and mumbled so effectively I couldn’t understand exactly what you were saying and whether you were telling me I had won a free trip to a beautiful Greek island or that my car was on fire.

Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now because I’m in the shower and I’m pretty sure you intentionally waited to call me at precisely the moment when I got in the shower. I won’t take your call right now because I’m not going to give you the satisfaction of knowing that I quickly got out of the shower when I heard the phone ringing and now I’m standing here answering the phone while dripping wet.

Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now because I already know that I have an appointment with my dentist at 3 p.m., March 3, and you’ve already given me that reminder via text, email, Messenger, WhatsApp and pigeon. And yes, I have been flossing.

Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now because I’ve already renewed my car’s expired warranty. Also, I actually don’t have a car. My old car was burned to a crisp in a totally preventable fire.

Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now because I’m on vacation, maybe on a beautiful Greek island. Please leave a message at the beep and tell me how jealous you are. 

Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now, but please leave a message at the beep although my voice mailbox is pretty much completely full by this point and your message is very likely to be cut off right at the moment you are ready to say who you are and why you are calling me. If your call is really urgent, you can keep talking if that will make you feel better.

Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now, but instead of leaving a message, how about getting in touch by text, email, Messenger, WhatsApp or pigeon?

Carrboro resident Neil Offen has been a humor columnist for four decades and in two countries. He is the author of the forthcoming book, “Building a Better Boomer.” His column appears twice monthly in The Local Reporter.