Help! I can’t remember my passwords

You thought there were only ten things that suck today? How naïve, how trusting, how sadly wrong. There are, at least, ten more:

These may not be the worst, but they are right up there.

The real problem with Thanksgiving? Not all the cooking and the spilled gravy and the awkward political conversations around the dining table. It’s all the leftovers, of course.

Please turn your attention to the front of the airplane for our safety briefing. When the seat belt sign is on, you must fasten your seat belt. Otherwise, we will use rope and gorilla glue to attach you directly to the seat and will not be able to guarantee that you will come unstuck after landing.

This limited lifetime warranty on your lifetime is not limited to all the parts you don’t use very often, like that third toe from the right (which is so inconsequential it does not even have a name), the ear lobes (generally useless if you’re not going with diamond studs) and the appendix, which more accurately is considered to be the last few pages right before the index.

When you enter the terminal, do not look at the arrivals and departures board. It will only encourage them.

We have a record player, an actual turntable that plays actual vinyl albums. We also have lots of actual vinyl albums. We even have several 45s, but I’m not sure I could find the spindle that would allow us to play them on our turntable.

Your flight is on time. However, please note this includes the extra 47 minutes we’ve arbitrarily added to your actual 52-minute flight time, so if we arrive only 26 minutes late, we can say we were early.

Someone’s identity gets stolen every 73 minutes, and that someone is getting very pissed, as you might imagine.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the town…

It’s traveling time, and you likely will be sitting in extremely basic economy in the dreaded middle seat between two crying babies for the next eight hours.

As you may possibly have noticed over the last couple of blisteringly unpleasant weeks, It’s now officially sweaty, scorching, clammy, sticky summer. Here’s how to survive it.

You have reached Consolidated Amalgamated Universal United Hospital and Convenience Store.

Please complete the following relationship questionnaire. We are asking you these questions so we can match you with an attractive someone who is also deathly afraid of stewed broccoli.

Later this month, the nation—well, my family—will celebrate my birthday. I will officially be … older.

Thank you for your purchase. Please complete the following survey and be entered for a chance to win another survey.

As you know, you must create a password to read the unexpurgated version of this column regularly.

I’ve been putting off writing about this, but it’s probably time for me to say something about procrastinating.

My resolutions for the New Year.

Once, at a celebratory event, I found myself dancing with my young adult daughter.

Any questions about our menu?

I used to have a watch that told me the time, which is what watches were invented to do.

We’re getting ready to go on a big trip, so of course my wife has been packing for the last two weeks.

There have been changes in our terms of service.

Hello, freshmen and fresh women and welcome to our campus.