Decrypting Your New Phone Bill

HELP! I CAN’T REMEMBER MY PASSWORDS

By Neil Offen
Columnist

I have some questions about my new phone bill, which my phone company, which prefers to be called my wireless carrier, prefers to call my billing statement, because it’s clearly too difficult for my communications company to communicate clearly.

My billing statement from my communications company is eight pages long. (Yes, I still get a paper statement that completely confuses me because it’s preferable to an online statement that completely confuses me.) It takes me longer to read the eight pages about my phones than it takes me to make most of my phone calls, except for the ones where I get an automated voicemail menu and can’t get a human to talk to me despite screaming for 15 minutes “REPRESENTATIVE — GET ME A REPRESENTATIVE. PLEASE GET ME ONE WHO BREATHES!’

(Parenthetically, screaming “GET ME A REPRESENTATIVE” at an automated robotic voice that continues to robotically run through its menu options which, you know, have recently changed, has been shown in laboratory studies to be equally ineffective but may result in a kidney stone.)

My billing statement is full of numbers. It breaks down my calls, my texts, my data downloads and how many calories I’ve consumed since lunch. It separates the different phone lines on my account by number, alphabetically by line owner and by favorite movie.

Despite all this information, I still have questions.

If I am eligible for a free upgrade to a new phone, why does the free upgrade cost $199 plus surcharges? Does the word free mean something I don’t think it means? Could it mean “not free”?

If I downgrade to a new phone or even an old one, will you pay me that $199 plus surcharges? Hey, if that doesn’t work for you, can I just take the credit and use it to fly to Paris?

Should I be grateful that my “free upgrade” also comes with “no fees,” as long as you don’t count the “device payment activation” fee?

What device does the device payment activation fee actually activate? Why would I upgrade to a new phone if I didn’t want to activate it? I don’t activate my refrigerator when I open it looking for Greek yogurt. Why does my phone bill use the word “activate” when it really means “turn on”?

How come the word “surcharge” appears nine times on my phone bill? Is there really an NC Telecom Relay Srvc Surchg or are you just making that up to see if I was paying attention?

Does the “universal service surcharge” mean I can call anywhere in the universe? Or does it mean I can just receive calls anywhere in the universe, as long as the call is mobile-to-mobile, on a night or weekend, and from a member of my immediate family, but not an in-law?

And why are they surcharges and not just plain charges? Is surcharge just a British affectation? Are you really an American company? If so, you should know the name of the capital of North Dakota — what is it?

And most of all, if my plan includes unlimited minutes, unlimited texts and so much data that I can’t fit it into the downstairs front closet anymore, then why do you need to spend eight pages tracking all of that?

Carrboro resident Neil Offen has been a humor columnist for more than four decades and on two continents. He is the author of “Building a Better Boomer,” available wherever books are sold. This reporter can be reached at Information@TheLocalReporter.press