HELP! I CAN’T REMEMBER MY PASSWORDS
By Neil Offen
You’ve tried Post-it notes, mnemonic devices, mindfulness and slapping your forehead with the palm of your hand. And you still can’t remember where you left your sunglasses.
It’s probably time to realize that your memory may be shot, which is, of course, a tough pill to swallow, particularly if you are already taking a boatload of vitamin supplements plus that thyroid medication.
What should you do? How will you cope? Here are a few suggestions:
If you forget to shut off the water while running a bath, take a shower at the gym instead while your house is being drained.
Can’t find your car keys? Look in the ignition. Can’t find the ignition? Please don’t drive when I’m on the road.
If you’ve found your car keys and are in the car, but can’t remember where you’re supposed to be going, pull over to the side of the road, turn on the radio and listen to a ball game. If it’s a baseball game, and it goes into extra innings, and there are a lot of pitching changes, and a number of pinch hitters, by the time it’s over you will have remembered where you were going or been arrested. Either way, you’ll be able to get home (in certain cases, with a police escort).
If you keep misplacing your sunglasses, only go out at night. (This will also decrease your chances of getting sunburned.)
If you find yourself in the middle of the supermarket and are not sure whether you are supposed to buy fabric softener sheets or sweet Italian sausages, cover your embarrassment by buying both and inventing a new dish.
If you are in that same supermarket aisle and see someone you are sure you absolutely know and just saw yesterday but you can’t recall the person’s name, switch to another aisle. I recommend the one with fabric sheets and other cleaning products.
Put your wallet or purse, keys, phone and glasses in the same place each day. Don’t ever leave that place.
When you can’t recollect the name of the actor in that movie whose title you can’t recall that also starred the other guy with blonde hair that you may have seen with you-know-who at the beach or maybe it was the mountains, go read a book instead.
If you can’t remember the names of your grandchildren, ask your children. If they can’t remember, it may be because you still don’t have any grandchildren yet even though you have made clear the urgent need.
When you can’t recall if you have taken all your pills at breakfast, eat a very early lunch.
Lost track of where you’ve hidden the good chocolate? Buy more chocolate and hide it everywhere.
Before you leave the house in the morning, always make sure the kitchen isn’t on fire.
Carrboro resident Neil Offen has written humor pieces for a number of different publications, in a number of different countries. His column appears twice monthly in The Local Reporter.