It’s Time to Update

HELP! I CAN’T REMEMBER MY PASSWORDS

By Neil Offen
Columnist

We are installing a new operating system. Please do not shut down this website during the process.

Yes, we know this is not fair to those who grew up thinking the IBM Selectric was the ultimate in technological innovation. And yes, we get how many of you feel about complex new technology allegedly designed to make our lives simpler while, in actuality, making us feel dumber than an analog.

But please understand, this is our first new operating system in some time and we felt it was needed even though the old operating system worked perfectly well and at least some of us actually had mastered it.

Although the new operating system has been designed to eliminate all previous glitches, there are sure to be some new glitches. (In fact, GLITCH is now the name of our new holding company [NYSE: GLTH], which, after our IPO, is already valued at $74 billion.) Consequently, we suggest you back up any files that come anywhere near this site. This includes irreplaceable items you have held onto like last month’s grocery receipts or your handwritten to-do list from December 2012.

The new operating system we will be using, update 8.02.4/6, designed to replace update 8.02.4/5, which replaced 8.02.4/4, offers an all-new design and all-new features, none of which you will be able to easily understand or operate. Which is, after all, the whole point of a new operating system, isn’t it?

The new system will enable improvements in usability and security and will sync with all your old Beatles records. All functionalities will be simplified, but nevertheless may still be called functionalities.

Thanks to new facial recognition software, this new operating system will enable you to laugh occasionally without even having to read any words—all you need do is stare at the screen and guffaws will come pouring out. Just a passing glance will provide a few chuckles. A momentary glimpse will get you a couple of snickers.

With the new operating system, if you need to find a particularly clever play on words, just quickly access our new word playlist and find puns, jests, quips, witticisms, gags, wisecracks and, if you have unlimited data, maybe even some jokes. (Some of the jokes may be available offline, but only if you have memorized certain sections.)

The new operating system comes with built-in nouns, some verbs and occasional prepositions, plus completely free access to the adverb store if you need it. You will probably need it.

Before you install the system, make sure you have backed up all your essential personal data because it’s likely all of it will disappear into thin air during the process and wind up on some hacker’s screen in Tajikistan. Also, remember to attest that you are not a robot. If you are a robot, good for you. You may be able to understand all of this and also not have to worry about fallen arches or high cholesterol.

When you are ready, click on “download” or “update now” or “over here, dummy.” It’s the big blue button right there in the center. However, it’s also possible it might be the green button near the bottom.

Good. There are now 81 more updates to be installed to get to the full new operating system. While they happen, go take a nap or watch a ballgame or complain about Update No. 16.

Carrboro resident Neil Offen has written humor pieces for a number of different publications, in a number of different countries. His column appears twice monthly in The Local Reporter.