Just a cuppa joe, please.

HELP! I CAN’T REMEMBER MY PASSWORDS

By Neil Offen
Columnist

A man walks into a bar. A coffee bar.

I’d like a coffee, please, he says to the barista, which is the Italian word for over-priced.

Would you like freshly brewed, cold-brewed, whole bean, medium bean or baked bean? asks the barista.

Just a regular coffee, really.

Would that be a cappuccino, an Americano, a macchiato, a frappucino, an affogato or an Italian-English dictionary?

Actually, really, any kind of coffee would be fine.

Cold brew or classic iced, spiced Robusta or wholly Arabica? Imported Excelsa or home-grown Liberica? Java, Joe or just a cuppa?

Just something hot, actually.

Fair trade, direct trade, organic, certified totally vegan, partially vegan, occasionally vegan, once-in-a-while vegan, non-GMO, SPF 35 or something higher?

Whatever is fastest.

Sun-dried, full-roasted, half-roasted, half-broiled, half-baked, single origin, quick-dripped, slow-dripped or sloshed directly onto your shirt?

Something ordinary and something just plain would be fine.

Plain dark roast, plain light roast, plain lightest roast or plane, train or automobile? 

Just plain plain. And, actually, make it de-caf, please.

Organically decaffeinated, naturally decaffeinated but not certified organic, water-decaffeinated, chemically decaffeinated or caffeine carefully culled from each bean itself, individually, one by one, by highly trained workers who have personally brought the beans here themselves from Guatemala, Kenya, Jamaica and southern New Jersey?

However, it’s easiest. And I’ll take it with a little milk, the man says.

Whole milk? the barista replies. Or 2-percent milk, 0-percent milk, soy milk, almond milk, chocolate milk, buttermilk or seltzer, although we are almost out of almond seltzer today?

I’ll take it with regular milk.

Would you like that milk to be flat white, whipped-free, crema or cortado, and I don’t know what those terms mean either in case you were going to ask.

And do you want it with any flavorings — a little peppermint, a touch of praline, some butterscotch, cinnamon dolce, white chocolate or red Twizzler?

Just plain, no flavorings.

OK, then, how would you like it prepared and served? K-Cup? Chemex? Filtered? French press, dry cleaned or washed and folded?

In a regular cup would be good.

Venti, grande, trenta? Eensy, weensy, spider?

Oh, and I’ll have it to-go.

In that case, you’ll need our special recyclable, non-corrugated, Styrofoam-substitute to-go cup that will double the price and still scald your fingers.

Come to think of it, maybe, instead, I’ll just have a cup of tea. Got any Lipton’s?

Carrboro resident Neil Offen has been a humor columnist for more than four decades and on two continents. He is the author of “Building a Better Boomer,” available wherever books are sold.