Let’s keep this private

HELP! I CAN’T REMEMBER MY PASSWORDS

By Neil Offen
Columnist

We want to let you know that we’ve recently updated our privacy policy. These updates will make it easier to understand how we sell your intimate personal information to the highest bidder and therefore can afford to send you multiple update emails while we relax on our luxury yacht.

We value your privacy because it has been really profitable for us. Please read this privacy policy carefully before using this account, related services or flossing your teeth.

We may collect a range of “Personal Information.” By “Personal Information” we mean information that uniquely identifies, relates to, describes or is reasonably capable of being associated with or linked to you. That includes what you ate for breakfast this morning and any resultant digestive issues.

The “Personal Information” we collect also may include your name, email, mailing address, phone number, favorite movie and your treasured lamb stew recipe. 

We use cookies, occasionally home-baked, to automatically collect data about you. We know, therefore, if you like chewy or crunchy. We may place these cookies on our site or right by your bedside if you get hungry in the middle of the night. We use data from the cookies to personalize your online experience and to make sure you get the minimum required number of “denim shorts on sale!” ads in your feed.

We also will be harvesting your location data, indicating where you are when you call a friend to say you’re running just a little late for lunch but actually haven’t even gotten dressed and left the house yet.

We do not knowingly collect or solicit any “Personal Information” from children under the age of 18. In the event that we learn that we have collected “Personal Information” from a child, we will promptly take steps to delete that child.

You may need to create a username and password for accessing your account with us. If you refuse, we may assign you a unique identification number so that you will easily confuse your Amazon account with your podiatrist’s health portal.

We take reasonable steps to maintain physical, electronic, and procedural safeguards to protect your information although we may occasionally forget to close the back door. These safeguards may include data encryption, access authorization, firewalls and hitting intruders upside the head if they try to access our data centers.

It is our policy to post any future changes we make to our privacy policy on this page. If we make material changes to how we treat our users’ “Personal Information,” you will know when you start getting texts from adult diaper companies.

We will not, without your prior express consent, disclose your “Personal Information” to any third party for them to market to you directly. However, if you have read this far we take that as your express consent.

You may opt out of receiving future emails from us. However, opting out won’t work. Also, we will shame you by publicly sharing your worst Wordle score.

If you do not agree to have your information collected, shared and used as described in this privacy policy, you may need to move to a dark, damp cave in central Wyoming on the first Tuesday following receipt of this policy.

For any questions, or to request further information regarding this privacy policy, you’re pretty much on your own.


Neil Offen’s humor book, “Building a Better Boomer,” will be published late next month. Join him at Flyleaf Books Nov. 2 for the official book launch. https://www.flyleafbooks.com/event/offen-2023

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