News from the Supremes

HELP! I CAN’T REMEMBER MY PASSWORDS

By Neil Offen
Columnist

In a 5-4 decision that reaffirmed a lower court ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court today found that the U.S. Constitution was unconstitutional.

The decision was a stunning rebuke to the Biden administration, which had argued that America, bigger than it ever was, needed a really large law to govern itself.

Despite the administration’s claim that nearly 32 percent of U.S. citizens were without laws and frequently had to resort to nasty comments on blogs, websites and neighborhood listservs, the court decided that having a Constitution is a personal decision and shouldn’t be forced on anybody.

Writing for the majority, Justice Samuel Alito concluded that, “this nation was founded on the principle that we don’t want to read or abide by documents that are longer than a tweet or most stories in USA Today. Americans are understandably wary of any so-called law that includes more than seven words with which they are unfamiliar.”

Alito, considered a constitutional “originalist,” noted that Christopher Columbus, when he discovered America, “didn’t have a Constitution or a GPS to guide him, and he did OK, didn’t he?”

The decision, which appeared to expand the role of talk radio in settling disputes, reverses a long history of legal precedent, including the landmark decision Larry v. Curly that had generally kept us all from smacking each other right in the middle of the forehead.

As expected, the court split along ideological lines, based its decision on a broad interpretation of the Ninth Amendment, mainly because none of the justices could remember exactly which one that was. They were, however, all in agreement that it probably came after the eighth one.

Alito was joined in the majority by Chief Justice Roberts and Justices Thomas, Gorsuch and Coney Barrett, who celebrated their victory by singing Queen’s “We are the Champions.”

Coney Barrett had been thought to be the swing vote on the court, but aligned herself with the majority, she said in a separate opinion, “because now that we all have Google, iPhones and Siri to answer all our questions, and AI is coming along, there doesn’t really seem to be a need for a Constitution anymore.”

In a stinging dissent, Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote that the Constitution is just as essential today as ever.

“If we don’t have the Constitution, our legal system will be controlled by those who can buy their own laws and really know how to use the word ‘whereas,’” the justice said. “Which is, of course, exactly what we have now, but in the future, it will be even more so and it may only be available via premium streaming.”

Sotomayor was joined in her dissent by Justices Kagan, Kavanaugh and Brown Jackson, who promised to continue the fight for a Constitution even if they have to smack the other justices right in the middle of the forehead.


Carrboro resident Neil Offen has been a humor columnist for four decades and on two continents. He is the author of “Building a Better Boomer,” available wherever books are sold.
This reporter can be reached at Info@TheLocalReporter.press

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