Please Accept Our Apologies

HELP! I CAN’T REMEMBER MY PASSWORDS

By Neil Offen

We would like to apologize for a series of errors that have appeared in previous columns.

A paragraph devoted to my inability to effectively load the dishwasher after our Thanksgiving meal incorrectly described the machine as previously belonging to Chance the Rapper. In fact, it is more likely it had once possibly been in the possession of Megan Thee Stallion.

When writing recently about the threat of nuclear annihilation and the cataclysm of global warming, I mistakenly gave an outdated title to Captain Kangaroo. He is no longer a captain but is, instead, a chief petty officer (ret).

Because of a writing error, a column that should have been about the Top 10 Places to Retire in Kazakhstan wrongly focused instead on technical questions about how to repair my lawn mower.

A report on the international brunch I prepared last weekend that featured French toast, Turkish coffee and Pad Thai, erroneously noted that president Kim Jong-un of North Korea was among the guests.

An apparent reference to my athletic accomplishments and my running prowess referred imprecisely to how long it took me to complete a recent weekend 5K race. The reference should have noted that it was, instead, a 1K and I finished on a Tuesday.

A sentence alluding to my plans for retirement misstated the relationship between two of the characters in Handel’s Third Oratorio. The two are not sisters but are, in fact, financial advisors together at Goldman Sachs. Also, it was not Handel’s Third Oratorio but the overture to the 1950s television series “77 Sunset Strip.”

Because of an editing error, a recent question mark should have been a semicolon; additionally, a recent bracket should have been a parenthesis and a recent exclamation point should have been an emoji! Sources have confirmed the comma, was, correct.

A listing of promises I’ve made to myself that I haven’t yet fulfilled falsely attributed all the fault to myself. Some of the fault should have been shared with others who have egged me on, including but not limited to Kim Jong-un.

A cataloging of the items I have lost so far during the month of December misidentified the contents of my wallet. Instead of a driver’s license, three credit cards, four health insurance cards, 17 one-dollar bills and a small sheet of paper with a phone number written on it that I could no longer attribute to anyone I knew, the contents actually included only 11 one-dollar bills, my car insurance card and an old newspaper clipping of a recipe for eggplant parmesan.

A recent notation concerning eggplant parmesan should instead have cited risotto a la Milanese.

A column devoted to prunes misspelled the names of my children. They are Paul and Nora, not Othello and Desdemona.

A correction in a recent post incorrectly corrected a mistake that had tried to rectify an error that referenced a gaffe included in a lapse that was part of an inaccurate re-statement.

We sincerely apologize.


Carrboro resident Neil Offen has written humor pieces for a number of different publications, in a number of different countries. His column appears twice monthly in The Local Reporter.

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