Press 11 to Understand the Telephone Menu Options

HELP! I CAN’T REMEMBER MY PASSWORDS

By Neil Offen
Columnist

You have reached Consolidated Amalgamated Universal United Hospital and Convenience Store. Please listen carefully because our menu options have recently changed, even though they really haven’t, but how could you possibly know that?

If this is an emergency, have you considered why are you busy listening to a boring recording from an AI-generated voice and not racing out like a house on fire and flagging down any moving vehicles?

Press 1 if you would like to make an appointment and are willing to wait until hell freezes over.

Press 2 if hell is freezing over.

Press 3 if you would like to cancel an appointment and be charged the standard $125 cancellation fee and also forfeit the right to participate in our annual March Madness bracket gala.

Press 4 if you would like to leave a message for our staff who prefer not to be disturbed during lunch hour, cocktail hour, or nap time.

Press 5 if you forgot what pressing 4 would do.

Press 6 if you have a follow-up question from a recent visit that someone with only rudimentary medical training, such as a member of our custodial staff or the cafeteria staff, would be able to answer.

Press 7 if you are the cafeteria lady.

Press 7.5 if you would like to renew a prescription but can’t remember which prescription or where you left the little bottle or if you really need another round of nasal decongestants for the pain in your left ankle.

Press 8 if you’d like to continue listening to our waiting music featuring the greatest hits of Santo & Johnny or Variations on Bach’s Cantatas by Sonny and Cher featuring Kendrick Lamar and the Sunshine Band.

Press 9 if you’d like to hear our menu options again or if you’re sufficiently confused and outraged and never willing to bother us again.

Press 10 if you … ha! That was a trick! There is no 10, never has been, and you will now be disconnected.

Carrboro resident Neil Offen has been a humor columnist for four decades and in two countries. He is the author of the forthcoming book, “Building a Better Boomer.” His column appears twice monthly in The Local Reporter.