Remember, It’s Still Winter Out There

HELP! I CAN’T REMEMBER MY PASSWORDS

By Neil Offen
Columnist

This is a winter weather advisory for the surrounding region and particularly for all those who still can’t remember that yes, when driving, you do turn in the direction of the skid, even if it does seem counterintuitive and also completely nuts.

Remember, this winter weather advisory is different from a winter weather watch, which is different from a winter weather warning, which is different from a winter storm warning, which is sort of like a freezing rain notice but even more wintry.

This winter weather advisory is in place until 6 a.m. next Thursday morning, or until 4 p.m. Tuesday afternoon, or until meteorologists can finally determine the exact difference between freezing rain and sleet.

Local government officials have been monitoring conditions by looking out the window and also by watching television meteorologists show off their Dopplers. In addition, they have been watching Doppler himself show off, mainly by making snow angels and then singing an a capella version of Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” while he unbuttons his parka.

Forecasters are predicting that the wind-chill factor will continue to plummet and soon will meet the temperature-humidity index on the way up. Neither indicator will understand how the other is calculated.

Snow should continue until late afternoon, when it will be replaced by rain and sleet and a swarm of locusts. Local residents should consider delaying their morning travel, particularly if they are allergic to locusts. Local locusts should consider alternative routes to avoid the swarm.

Authorities are urging local residents to keep off the roads unless absolutely necessary and to try to find something good to do at home, unless it’s watching “Emily in Paris” or trying to fold fitted sheets.

Meanwhile, public works crews are monitoring the roads and making sure they don’t go anywhere. If you have found a road that is missing, call local authorities and proceed with extreme caution. Do not approach the road under any circumstances unless fully armed with a snow shovel.

Road crews have been spreading a mixture of salt and freshly cracked pepper on any trouble spots. Paprika will be used only when deemed necessary. Remember, bridges and overpasses freeze first, so be considerate, as some may be shivering.

If you do have to travel, watch out for black ice. Generally, black ice can be identified by its color. It’s black.

After the morning commute, freezing rain is likely as we head into the afternoon, followed by icy rain followed by rainy ice, followed by hail, followed by a wintry mix, where they all get together and criticize summer for being insufficiently cool.

The precipitation could stop as early 3 p.m. but then again it could continue until next Sunday. Temperatures will stay well below freezing until you find where you put your gloves.

If temperatures drop into the teens, just hang in there and wait until it’s summer and you’re too damn hot.

Carrboro resident Neil Offen has been a humor columnist for more than four decades and on two continents. He is the author of “Building a Better Boomer,” available wherever books are sold.