Side-by-Side Effects

HELP! I CAN’T REMEMBER MY PASSWORDS

By Neil Offen

As we age, we gain a number of things — wisdom, weight and, of course, prescriptions.

There’s the medication that works on our blood pressure, another to balance our thyroid, a third to fix the damage the thyroid pill did to our blood pressure. And, naturally, the pill to treat the occasional projectile vomiting caused by the combination of all the previous pills.

We need, of course, to be extra careful with all these medications. Particularly after we read the informational warning sheets that come with the prescriptions:

While taking this medication, unusual dreams may occur, including one where you are naked dangling from a flagpole in the middle of the Roman Forum and being whipped by your first-grade teacher, Miss Bave. If you have had this dream before, decrease your dosage. If you have never had this dream before and would like to, take two extra pills at bed time.

Get medical help right away if you notice slime coming out of your fingertips or if oatmeal appears attractive. There could be sudden weight gain, which you will recognize when you can’t put on any clothes because they no longer fit and you have to go naked to your business meeting at the Roman Forum.

Dizziness and headache may occur when taking this medication. You should not drive, operate heavy machinery or listen to talk radio while taking this medication until you can do it safely and not scream, “Are you kidding me?”

Discuss with your medical provider immediately any hallucinations you may have about manufacturing a death star while taking this medication.

For three days after taking this medication, be careful when you get up from a sitting position and immediately try to drive an M4 Sherman tank. A bout of temporary blindness may follow and if it does, you will not be able to read this listing of side effects.

After finishing the required regimen for this drug, the color of your fingernails should return to normal by Christmas.

Hair loss can happen during the first few months of treatment with this medication. After that, you are likely to grow excessive hair, but mostly on your bedside lamp.

A very serious reaction to this medicine is rare, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be the one person in 101,886 who actually gets enlarged nose hair.

This medication also may weaken your immune system, making you more susceptible to colds, coughs, COVID-19 and cable-TV reality shows. If you feel you are watching too much cable-TV reality, call 911 immediately and while waiting switch to PBS for the 13-part series on the history of the cello.

In rare cases, you can die from this medication. It’s possible you may prefer that to enlarged nose hair.

Make sure to drink at least one eight-ounce glass of water with this pill to help minimize the potential loss of the ability to form words. 

If you are pregnant while taking this medicine and are a man, reduce activity and contact the National Enquirer.

This is not a complete list of possible side effects. If you encounter other side effects not listed above, boy, are you in trouble. If these side effects persist or worsen, contact our lawyers.

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Carrboro resident Neil Offen has written humor pieces for a number of different publications, in a number of different countries. His column appears twice monthly in The Local Reporter.