The benefits of your benefits

HELP! I CAN’T REMEMBER MY PASSWORDS

By Neil Offen
Columnist

This is not a bill.

This is an explanation of benefits (EOB) from your health insurance company (HIC) concerning the services that were provided by your healthcare provider (YHP) on or about two weeks ago from last Thursday (LTH) at about 3:30 p.m. or maybe a little later if it’s that important to you. 

Your reference number is 75403267 and your claim number is 309678-3 and the provider’s identification number is 036830 and your account number is 2-46799 and your batting average is .287 with an on-base percentage of .314.

$126.73.

This was the amount that you were billed for the procedure you had, even if you didn’t have a procedure but thought you might need one because your right foot was killing you.

$93.22.

This was the amount you were billed for asking your healthcare providers why they called you by your first name, even if you called them a doctor or referred to them as your healthcare providers.

$172.93.

This was the amount you were billed for those special lab tests you took provided by a doctor whose name you’ve never heard of.

$.17

You saved This amount by choosing a healthcare provider whose name begins with the letter W.

$81.33.

This was the amount not covered by your plan, not including the copay or the coinsurance or the deductible or any birthday gift you may have received. 

43%.

This was the amount of the discount that you would have gotten if you had bought two procedures instead of one and received the second at 50 percent off. You could have received this healthcare discount because your health insurance provider works very closely with your healthcare providers to negotiate discounts and see how many times they can use the word healthcare in a sentence. 

$4,958.

This is the amount you’ve paid toward your network deductible.

$17,492.

This amount remains to be paid to meet your network deductible.

0.0

This is the chance you have of making it and not having to actually pay any more copays, coinsurances or special fees we just arbitrarily add because we can.

$876.11.

This is the amount we’ll give you if you can determine, within a reasonable period of time, what your out-of-network, out-of-pocket, all-cash, convertible to Euros if necessary deductible really is. 

$76.24

This is the amount you’ve paid in in-network out-of-pocket expenses or in-pocket out-of-network expenses or, back-pocket out-of-wallet expenses or hole-in-your-pocket lost quarters and dimes. 

Remember, after you have met your deductible, the costs of covered expenses will still all be on your shoulders because that’s just the way it is.

$225.02.

This is the amount you still owe after your discount and your plan’s payment, your income tax refund and the coins you found under the pillows of the couch in the family room.  Pay this amount immediately or else we’ll send you another explanation of benefits. 

Thank you for reading our explanation of benefits. Please contact us if you need an explanation of your explanation of benefits.

Carrboro resident Neil Offen has been a humor columnist for four decades and on two continents. He is the author of “Building a Better Boomer,” available wherever books are sold.
This reporter can be reached at Info@TheLocalReporter.press