The knack of how to pack

HELP! I CAN’T REMEMBER MY PASSWORDS

By Neil Offen
Columnist

We’re getting ready to go on a big trip, so of course my wife has been packing for the last two weeks. Packing for a trip is an art, a skill, a challenge. The challenge, of course, is to arrive at your destination with underwear.

To help my wife, and anybody else getting ready for a trip as the holiday season approaches, here are several packing tips I’ve developed. They have been extensively tested by experienced travelers who have never been stuck in the middle seat between two crying 1-year-olds.

First, choose your suitcase carefully. (We assume here that you’d rather not check your bag since that would increase the possibility of it ending up in Beijing when you are going to Grand Rapids.)

Remember, the bigger your suitcase, the likelier you can’t get someone else to lift it into the overhead bins. Also, if it’s too large, you will feel required to fill up all the extra hidden pockets, thus bringing scuba diving equipment to the mountains.

The choice between hard-sided or soft-sided, wheelie or non-wheelie, is, of course, a deeply personal one, dependent on your religious background. Whether you believe hard-sided, non-wheelie is truly the work of the devil.

Once you have chosen a suitcase, remember that the goal is to fill every inch of available space. That means putting socks inside shoes and toothpaste inside the socks. Jam that rain jacket into the sleeve of those pajamas. Fold your flip-flops and stuff them into your dental floss dispenser.

Limit what you pack. First, take everything you consider taking and lay all the items on the bed. You must pare down a little if you can’t see the bed. If you can’t see the floor, you must reschedule the trip.

Put heavy, bulky items in first, at the bottom of the suitcase. If you only have heavy, bulky items, you can ignore this tip, but why are you traveling with so many cannonballs? 

Try rolling your items. This will maximize space and minimize wrinkles, but can be difficult to do with the handmade Chinese flower vase you are bringing as a birthday gift for Aunt Sophie. 

If rolling doesn’t work, try the bundling technique. Carefully wrap each article of clothing around a central core, with underwear and T-shirts at the center, and large tailored items like blazers and dresses as the outer layer. While this technique is utterly useless, unraveling the bundle does make a fun getting-to-know-you game if you meet anybody interesting at the hotel.

You also could use packing cubes. These are smaller bags that you put inside larger bags that you put inside enormous bags that you try to fit into your suitcase just as soon as you have removed several cannonballs. 

Then there’s my preferred method: Take anything you want. Jam it all into the suitcase until it screams for mercy. Don’t worry about wrinkles because no one knows where you’re going. Sit on the bag until you can close it. Pull the zipper tight until you can lock it or the zipper breaks.

With any luck, the airline will lose your bag.

Carrboro resident Neil Offen has been a humor columnist for four decades and on two continents. He is the author of “Building a Better Boomer,” available wherever books are sold.
This reporter can be reached at Info@TheLocalReporter.press