Weather or not


By Neil Offen

Here’s your personal weather report, complete with Doppler 5000-Dow Jones 4,873, bottom of the ninth, and two men on radar.

In the morning, you will see high pressure to get out of bed, mainly if you have set the alarm for 10 minutes later than usual and have already hit the snooze button four times.

When you look out the window, it’ll be partly cloudy or partly sunny, depending on which window you’re looking out of. With the barometer rising and the stock market falling, you may wonder if there’s any difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny. There is not.

Expect some pockets of fog and difficult viewing conditions early until you can find your glasses. There’s a 60 percent chance you left them in the car, but that will diminish to a 40 percent chance later in the day after you check out the car’s glove compartment and find only gloves.

A morning shower will be followed by realizing you’re out of shampoo. As a low-pressure system moves in from the southwest, bringing salsa instead of ketchup with it, we should see some patchy rain which could turn heavy at times, but only when you are trying to get in and out of your car.

Just in case, the National Weather Service has issued a “no open-toe sandals advisory” for the afternoon.

After the front passes through on its way to a vacation time-share on the coast, the rest of the afternoon and the early evening should be mostly cloudy and breezy with a hint of thunder and a dash of cilantro. Overnight will bring lower temperatures because that’s what happens at night when there’s no sun.

For the rest of the week, expect to see occasional patchy rain, some “unpatchy” rain, some rain that has been poorly patched and is showing its age, a few steady showers, a few scattered showers, intermittent sunny skies, hail stones as big as hail stones, irregular breezes, sporadic meteor sightings, two or three terrible television reality shows, some curiously odd-shaped clouds, random lightning, haphazard Internet connections, the storm of the century and pretty much everything else if you’re paying close attention.

There’s also a slight chance of locusts.

The National Weather Service has not yet issued a locust warning or even a locust watch because why would a locust wear a watch? Also, people have yet to stand outside watching for locusts or really know what they look like.

An upper-level disturbance that’s now hovering over the lower Mississippi River Valley because housing costs are cheaper there will begin to move to a lower level and will disturb many people by calling during dinner time. It will not leave a message.

Carrboro resident Neil Offen has been a humor columnist for four decades and in two countries. His new book, “Building a Better Boomer,” will be published Dec. 1. He’ll be signing books and speaking at Flyleaf Books Jan. 4.

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