When Your Hips Are No Longer Hip

HELP! I CAN’T REMEMBER MY PASSWORDS

By Neil Offen
Columnist

My left hip has really been hurting for some time and I am quite concerned because usually it’s my right hip that really hurts. Of course, I am now at the age where all my hips, and some of my less-hip parts, tend to hurt from time to time.

I should note here that for a man my age, I am in excellent health for someone 132 years old. That is, I have the regular aches and pains of someone who remembers the Beatles drummer before Ringo Starr (Pete Best!), and sometimes, it’s true, a body part does fall off.

But this pain in my left hip was different. It was so severe I saw stars, and considering how bad my vision is, I was dutifully impressed. It was far worse than the tingling in my bunions. (Actually, my bunions do not usually tingle and are generally just fine, thank you, but I do like saying the word bunions a lot and it doesn’t much come up in regular conversation. That’s a pity, because it’s a great word.)

Anyway, the pain in my left hip interfered with my ability to walk, stand or play the harpsichord. Or that may have been, at least in part, because I’m not exactly sure I know what a harpsichord is and whether it’s part of the woodwinds or the strings.

And over time, the pain got worse, so that in addition to not being able to play the harpsichord, I also couldn’t play the French horn.

So, I went to see my doctor. I explained to my doctor that my left hip hurt. My doctor asked if I had fallen on my hip. No. Had I stretched my hip in an unusual manner? No. Had I banged my hip into a harpsichord? No.

After much consideration, the doctor decided that I had a bad hip. She sent me to get x-rays to confirm her judgment and make sure my bad hip wasn’t worse than just a bad hip.

The x-rays confirmed that I had a hip (they also indicated, in passing, that the hip bone was connected to the thigh bone and that the thigh bone was connected to the knee bone, and, well, you know).

For a further evaluation, I then saw an orthopedist. An orthopedist is a specialist specializing in orthopedes. After making sure my insurance covered a consultation with a medical practitioner with a bizarre sub-specialty that was not in the formulary, the doctor asked if I had fallen on my hip. No. Had I stretched my hip in an unusual manner? No. Had I banged my hip into a harpsichord or maybe, perhaps, a French horn? No.

After much consideration, the orthopedist pinpointed the cause of my hip pain. You’re getting older, he said. Try to get younger.

Carrboro resident Neil Offen has been a humor columnist for four decades and in two countries. He is the author of the forthcoming book, “Building a Better Boomer.” His column appears twice monthly in The Local Reporter. This reporter can be reached at: Information@TheLocal Reporter.press.